So what’s next? As my impromptu seasonal job’s end creeps closer I ask myself this question constantly. I know the short term answer: love my husband, love my fur babies, love & catch up with family & friends, make time to develop the new friendships I’ve made, overhaul our very neglected flower beds, exercise, meditate, cook more, read, CREATE, & leaving a positive emotional wake behind me as I move through this world.

These things leave me feeling centered & at peace with “me”. These feelings are addictive, like slowly dropping pants sizes while working out. Once you get in the zone you just keep going. Loving the rush of pushing your own envelope to become a new “you”. Admitting I still mess up sometimes & that I’ll never be perfect is growth in itself. Forgiving myself when I slip is also a sign of improvement. Committing to my mental and emotional health for the last several years is also a giant leap forward.

Much like the weather, the further into the future you try to see the murkier the view gets. Long term goals have always been difficult for me to fathom. I know ultimately I want to be kind, knowledgeable, honest, a positive contribution to society & the planet, & not poor. There are so many decisions to make & paths a person can choose. Much like rats in a maze we’re just bumping around trying to navigate unknown terrain. How does one come up with a plan with all that randomness flying around? Without realizing what I was doing I allowed anxiety to make me a fanatic for contingency plans. What’s better than having a Plan B? A Plan C, D, E, then the randomness takes over and they’re scrapped for a whole new series of plans. With all of that constantly in motion how can anyone “see” anything further?

In high school I remember friends having career goals: dentist, teacher (X3), rich (he knew money was important to him so he needed it, got to respect the honesty), & nurse. And what’s crazy is they all succeeded! Meanwhile I’m off to the side, shoulders shrugged, I don’t even know what all is out there, how the hell am I supposed to know?! I can’t stand blood & guts so the medical field was OUT. Didn’t like lots of people looking at me so teaching & a million other things were out.

I liked the outdoors & adventures, loved National Geographic ANYTHING, but didn’t exactly grow up as an outdoorsy kid. So all of that was very much out of my comfort zone. I’ve shoved myself out of the zone more than once & I can’t think of a time that I’ve regretted it. As many old people will tell you it’s not the times you say yes you regret, it’s usually the no’s, the missed opportunities.

A few months ago I read a quote that was exactly what I needed to read. What I needed to remember how I was brave enough to jump so many times when I was younger.

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.”

― Charlie Wardle, Understanding & Building Confidence

I trust my wings. They’ve done well for me so far. Anxiety says otherwise, but she sucks so why listen to her? If you can believe the worst you can also believe the best. So I choose to believe in my wings. It’s the best way to be me.